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Josh Billings Quotes

Josh Billings

American humorist and lecturer

Nationality: American
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Type: Comedian
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Birth: 1815-1885
Page: 1
Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
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Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.
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In youth we run into difficulties. In old age difficulties run into us.
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I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.
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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
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The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear.
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It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
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Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.
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There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
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The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.
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I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most certain of the first time.
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Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.
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Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does.
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Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.
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Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.
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Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
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Experience is a school where a man learns what a big fool he has been.
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Experience increases our wisdom but doesn't reduce our follies.
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If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.
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Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
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The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way.
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Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.
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There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won t.
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There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
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A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.
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If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it as the old woman did her lost spectacles. Safe on her own nose all the time.
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A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.
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There's lots of people who spend so much time watching their health, they haven't got time to enjoy it.
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Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.
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The more humble a man is before God the more he will be exalted; the more humble he is before man, the more he will get rode roughshod.
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I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
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Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.
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The trouble with most folks ain't so much their ignorance as knowing so many things that ain't so.
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Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.
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Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
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Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.
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Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.
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As a general thing, when the woman wears the pants in the family, she has a good right to them.
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The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord it ain't the gout.
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Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.
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I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.
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Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.
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If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.
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Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
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Pity cost nothing and ain't worth nothing.
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Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed of dogs.
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Poverty is the step-mother of genius.
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Remember the poor, it costs nothing.
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I am a poor man, but I have this consolation: I am poor by accident, not by design.
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Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.
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Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today.
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One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.
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It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit.
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Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbours.
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The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. - Billings, Josh
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It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient. - Billings, Josh
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Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
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I don't care how much a person talks, if they only say it in a few words.
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As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for.
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As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
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It ain't so much trouble to get rich as it is to tell when we have got rich.
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It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven.
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Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
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Never work before breakfast. If you have to work before breakfast, get your breakfast first.
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
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